calling a spade a spade

It’s around 9:00 pm, Election Day, May 14, 2007 and my wife and I are at a “Cuban-inspired” restaurant near (or is it part of?) the Ayala Entertainment Center. Perusing the menu, I came across entries described as “Spanish this”, “Valenciana that”, and some other food that are not customarily associated with Cuba, such as hummus, chicharon and a “something-Orientale”, chicken, I think. I ask Charleen, my wife, “Hey, I thought this was a Cuban restaurant?” We look at each other in wonder, and start nitpicking, haha.

First off, the sisig: I didn’t know they had sisig in Cuba. And why exactly is a “something-Orientale” being served in a “Cuban” restaurant? Most glaring on their menu was PASTA and PIZZA. What the fuck? In a “Cuban” fucking restaurant? No matter that the restaurant is supposed to be owned by a group that runs some of the best restaurants in the Philippines, when I want pizza or pasta, I’d go to an Italian restaurant, definitely not a “Cuban” restaurant. At the very least, for pizza, I’d go to Shakey’s, Greenwich, Pizza Hut, Yellow Cab, Da Vinci’s, Domino’s or whatever pizza restaurant is nearest. Heck I’d eat those generic pizzas being sold on the streets if there’s no other alternative and I’m absolutely dying for a slice. For pasta, I’d probably just cook it at home, if I’m too lazy to go out, or if my budget is pretty tight. But pizza and pasta in a “Cuban” restaurant? Who gives a fuck that the ingredients supposedly come from Cuba, or the dish is “Cuban-inspired”? Pizza is pizza, pasta is pasta, and they’re both Italian in nature, as Italian as la dolce vita, as Italian as the red Ferrari 550 Maranello I always dream of but know I will never own.

Then I realized how much I dislike restaurants that label themselves as this or that, or follow a particular “theme”, such as this now-defunct restaurant near the Iglesia ni Cristo Church along Mango Avenue. It was named after someplace in Morocco, the same place where Pepe le Pew hangs out, anyways, they had, ta-da, porkchops! Yup. And sisig. No kidding. Sure, they had hash pipes, “shisha” they called it, but still, porkchops and sisig? Isn’t Morocco a Muslim country? That fact alone should have warned the owner to lay off on the pork dishes. Besides the pork dishes, they had tapsilog, gambas and a whole bunch of other food that ideally shouldn’t be served in a “Moroccan” restaurant. And I don’t think I ever saw couscous on the menu.

On the same note, a restaurant in Crossroads Arcade started out by serving “Spanish” food. A couple of weeks later, they began serving ‘diner’ food, maybe because they saw the diner a couple of doors down getting a lot of customers. And what about this coffee shop in Skyrise Building? For a short time, they started serving of all things, NACHOS. Nice combination, nachos and coffee. Wow. Obviously they were trying to steal some business from the Mexican place beside them, but come on, nachos and coffee? Gimme a break.

I mean, if you’re going to open a restaurant, do it right. If you’re going with a theme, stick to it. If you’re going with food that’s identified with one country, stick to it. Don’t freaking confuse the customer by including food from another country. If you’re going to serve a whole shitload of dishes from different countries, don’t bother labeling your restaurant as “Spanish” or “Moroccan” or “Cuban” or whatever. Like, what’s the point of calling your establishment a Japanese restaurant if you’re also going to serve pochero?